This week on Instagram I asked you guys to ask me questions and most of the questions were asking about my future and what I want that to look like especially with my recent change in majors. If you didn’t know, I originally was headed to Miami University for Journalism then made a last minute switch to Music Education. I spent the entirety of my Freshman year of college going back and forth on the idea of being a music educator. I always had this feeling in me that this was not the path that I was supposed to be on and that I had something else coming for me.

So you may be wondering, “Why would you go into something when you felt that it wasn’t going to be right for you?”

My whole life I’ve always been very unsure of my future and what my goals were for the life ahead of me. I’ve always had many small hobbies and interests but music was one that just happened to fall into my lap. When I moved houses the summer before my 7th-grade year, I started to go to a school where my mom was the well-loved choir teacher and was known for starting the musical theater program. Since my mom was in charge of the musicals that were done there it was just a given that I would be apart of them. The musicals were how I met new friends in a new school district and this eventually led me to continue being in musicals when going into High School. It was a way for me to meet new people and stay connected with friends all while having fun.

When it came to my Senior year of High School, I was torn about what I should major in. I was known as “the choir kid” and “the musical theater kid.” It seemed completely out of character for me to want to go into Journalism even though I’ve had private urges to write and start and expand my blog that my peers and teachers didn’t see because I didn’t let them in. I was too insecure and too nervous to show others that I was interested in something else. Music was my safe place and the idea of having others view me differently scared me.

So I pursued Music Education because it matched the image that everyone else had of me.

My first semester of music education was so much fun. I met so many amazing people and felt really at home. I felt the rush of college life and what it felt like to finally be independent. But as I continued into my second semester, I started to feel really frustrated with the work that I was being forced to do. Not because of the difficulty level. I knew that I was willing to work for something if I was truly passionate. But I just had no interest to learn the things that I was learning. I didn’t seem to care as much as my peers about the topics being covered or who this composer was and why they were important or why this technique helps improves airflow when singing or why when part-writing this would sound better than that. I just didn’t care. I didn’t have the drive. I wasn’t inspired to learn and to build off of what I already knew.

This doesn’t mean that I believe that music education isn’t important. There is a lot of change that I wanted to be a part of that included the curriculum of music education today. I wanted to have the power to positively impact student’s lives and to do it through the beauty of music. Not only that, but I truly believe that a lot of good change can come from a classroom. Teachers have the amazing ability to inspire students and to help guide them into creating a better world not only for themselves but for future generations and I believe that music can be used as a tool in implicating that. But something told me that that is not where I was needed.

There were so many factors that I had to consider and the more that I did it just seemed like a big flashing sign telling me that it was time to move on. When I got to college and started voice lessons, we found out that my vocal cords were weakened which caused my vocal cords to work extra hard to close to prevent a breathy tone while singing. I had to do vocal therapy daily and had to place a lot of restrictions on myself in order to be able to keep singing. Even with doing vocal therapy daily for months, it didn’t seem to be getting any better.

Another sign that I faced was, like I said earlier, feelings of frustration as well as a longing to be different from the career path that my mom had. I wanted to be seen as my own person and didn’t want to have to worry about family comparison.

Lastly, there was a night where I was reading from my journal that I kept since 2017 which is when I started my blog. In one of the entries, there was a list of goals that I had for my life and things that I wanted to accomplish. I broke down because many of those dreams were still dreams I had to this day and I had made minimal progress in achieving them and, quite frankly, pushed them aside because of other people’s views and expectations of me. I have been writing in my journal since 2017 my needs and wants for myself and was just ignoring the truths that I was telling myself; thinking they would just change.

I knew then, on that night, that I needed to start taking myself seriously and to start working for what I want out of this life; not what others want for me.

From my goals of becoming a music educator, I knew one thing: whatever I end up doing, I want to know that I am helping others and making an impact that improves their well-being. This is why I chose Psychology. I want to be able to understand others more so that I can help and contribute in the best way possible. And I know from my journals and from my heart that I want to incorporate writing because it is a way for me to still be creative and it gives me the ability to share my voice in a way that doesn’t hurt me physically. Writing allows me to be expressive. This is why I chose Professional Writing as my second major. I want to expand my knowledge on writing and to grow as a writer. With both of these majors I hope to make an impactful difference in the world.

It is scary to step out of the box that you feel so many people have put you in. As people we want to stay in our safe corner and not stir up any conflicts or do anything that brings too much attention to ourselves but the only way to ever truly be happy is to follow your heart. That is what I am doing now in this period of my life. I know that things will change and right now I am on a huge journey to figure it all out.

I wanted to add a special thank you to anyone who has impacted my journey. To all of my peers, teachers, directors, friends, professors, family members, and loved ones, I genuinely am so thankful for your support and continued support. I am thankful for the people who have shown an immense amount of understanding and who have built me up to give me enough confidence to try something new. To anyone I haven’t really had the conversation with yet, I am sorry and in no means meant to exclude you and I hope you come along for the new journey I am on. Lastly, a special thank you to my past self for letting myself accept my truths.

I hope we can all learn to push ourselves to be who we are without the fear of judgement. That would make me happy.

Love you all,

Laurel ♡︎

(Make sure to follow me on Instagram so you can be involved with the next questionnaire. I would love to see you there. @laurel.blogs)

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